Have you ever found yourself trying to make others happy, even at the expense of your own happiness? This behavior is often called "people pleasing." While being kind and considerate is good, people-pleasing can sometimes become a problem. The problem comes when it's done to avoid conflict or gain approval. In some cases, people-pleasing can be a response to past trauma. In this blog, we will explore what people pleasing means, why it happens, why it can be a problem, and how to address it.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing involves putting others' needs and wants above your own. This is often to avoid conflict or gain approval. People pleasers might always say "yes" to requests, even when they don’t want to. They may struggle to express their own needs and opinions. This behavior can lead to feelings of resentment, exhaustion, and a loss of self-identity.

The Connection with Trauma

People pleasing can be a response to trauma. When you experience trauma, especially as a child, you might learn that making others happy helps you avoid trouble or hurt feelings. This behavior becomes a way to stay safe. Focusing on others' needs and ignoring your own helps keep things calm and predictable. You learn to protect yourself from more hurt by always trying to get approval and avoiding conflict. Over time, you start to believe your safety depends on keeping others happy. While this might work in tough times, it can lead to always putting others first and neglecting your own needs. A lot of people pleasers identify as having complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD).

What is Fawning?

Fawning is a trauma response where a person tries to avoid conflict and danger by pleasing others. It's like saying, "If I can make everyone happy and keep the peace, then I'll be safe." This can develop in people who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other traumatic events. Fawning is a state in the polyvagal theory, which explains how the nervous system responds to threat!

For example, a child who grows up with a demanding parent might learn to try to please them to avoid punishment or criticism. Although they never completely avoid punishment, trying to please their parent makes the issues at home feel more manageable and less chaotic. As they grow up, they try to avoid conflict, even when they don't need to. This behavior can become a habit, affecting their relationships and interactions with others.

Why People Pleasing Can Be a Problem

While being nice and helpful can be positive traits, chronic people-pleasing can lead to several problems:

1. Loss of Identity: People pleasers often suppress their own needs, desires, and opinions to avoid conflict. Over time, you may lose touch with who you are and what you want. For example, you struggle to know what you like and dislike and no longer have preferences.

2. Burnout and Exhaustion: Constantly trying to please everyone can be draining. People pleasers might take on too much, leading to burnout and physical or emotional exhaustion.

3. Resentment and Frustration: If you always put others first, you might begin to feel resentful and frustrated. Resentment especially builds up if your efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated.

4. Unhealthy Relationships: People pleasing can lead to imbalanced relationships, where one person is always giving and the other is always taking. This can result in feelings of being used or undervalued.

How it’s Protective

Despite its problems, people-pleasing can be seen as a protective mechanism, especially for those who have experienced trauma. Here's how it can be protective:

1. Avoiding Conflict: By trying to keep everyone happy, people pleasers avoid conflicts and the anxiety that comes with them. This can create a temporary sense of peace and safety.

2. Gaining Approval: Seeking approval from others can provide a sense of validation and worth. This might be particularly important for someone who didn't receive a lot of positive reinforcement in the past.

3. Maintaining Relationships: People pleasers often go out of their way to maintain relationships, even if they are one-sided. This behavior can be a way to ensure they are not alone and have some form of social support.

4. Feeling in Control: In situations where they felt powerless (such as during trauma), people pleasers might feel a sense of control by managing others' perceptions and keeping the peace.

How to Develop Healthier Behaviors

If you recognize yourself as a people pleaser and want to change, it's important to understand that it’s possible to develop healthier behaviors. Here are some steps to help you treat people pleasing:

1. Recognize and Acknowledge the Behavior: The first step to change is recognizing when people pleasing is a problem. Pay attention to situations where you put others' needs above your own and reflect on why you do it.

2. Understand the Root Cause: Explore the reasons behind your people-pleasing behavior. This might involve reflecting on past experiences and trauma that influenced your behavior. Some empaths also identify as people-pleasers. Understanding the root cause can help you address the issue more effectively.

3. Set Boundaries: Learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial. Practice saying "no" to requests that you don't want to fulfill or that overextend you. Remember that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being.

4. Express Your Needs and Opinions: Start expressing your own needs and opinions more openly. This can be challenging at first, especially if you’re not used to it! It’s an important step in reclaiming your identity and self-worth.

5. Seek Support: Consider talking to a therapist who can help you work through your trauma or help you set boundaries as an empath. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore your feelings and practice new behaviors.

6. Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind and patient with yourself as you work on changing your behavior. Understand that it's okay to make mistakes and that personal growth takes time.

7. Build Self-Worth: Work on building your self-worth independent of others' approval. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that make you feel good about yourself. Celebrate your accomplishments and strengths.

8. Develop Assertiveness Skills: Learning to be assertive can help you communicate your needs and desires more effectively. Assertiveness involves expressing yourself clearly and respectfully, without being passive or aggressive.

9. Challenge Negative Thoughts: People pleasers often have negative beliefs. These beliefs are about themselves or about what will happen if they stand up for themselves. Challenge these thoughts by questioning their validity. Then, replace them with more positive, realistic ones.

10. Practice Self-Care: Take time to care for yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. Engage in activities that help you relax and recharge, such as exercise, hobbies, or spending time with loved ones.

See a Trauma Specialist in Detroit, MI

Do you experience people-pleasing behaviors and want to change this? It is your time to heal from trauma! At Embodied Wellness, PLLC, we have trauma specialists who are here to support. Our trauma therapists are trained in PTSD treatments like EMDR, somatic therapy, CBT, DBT and more. To get started with therapy, follow these easy steps:

1. Schedule a free therapy consult!

2. Get matched with a trauma therapist.

3. Recover from people pleasing!.

Additional Online Therapy Services We Offer

At Embodied Wellness, PLLC we treat teens and adults using the latest evidence-based treatments including ERP to treat OCD, EMDR for trauma, and DBT therapy via online therapy in Michigan. También ofrecemos terapia en español en Michigan. You can start feeling better now!

About the Author: 

Sarah Rollins, LMSW, SEP is the founder of Embodied Wellness, PLLC, a group therapy practice providing online therapy in Michigan. She is passionate about expanding awareness of somatic therapy as a way to treat and heal trauma. She incorporates other holistic treatments into her practice including EMDR and IFS.